I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
