I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
