I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
