I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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