You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
