life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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