You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
