So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
