did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
