I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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