i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
