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I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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