i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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