he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
