dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
