Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
