Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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