i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
