You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
