I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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