The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
