I'm lost and stupid without you.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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