The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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