I accidentally burped into my bong.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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