I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
