I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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