if i died would you start the facebook group?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
