Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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