well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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