I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
