he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
