a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
did i walk over a car last night?
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You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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