i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
