Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
