Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
