It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
