he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
