I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
