i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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