I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
