I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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