I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
