Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
