In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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