It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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