Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
