Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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