I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
