Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
