This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
