Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
one two three fourrrrnication!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
