Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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