i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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