did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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