i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
