Please, let me fuck your mom
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
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Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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