i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
