The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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