I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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