You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!