Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
